Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Beyonce makeup minus the beyonce

Somewhere between her exotic accent and her perfect make up skillz and her pretty face... I AM FABULOUSLY JEALOUS - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j43bv8bjQXY&feature=channel - so I made my own video in attempt to show my own "exoticness"...and yes, it is by force!

Sunday, June 21, 2009

Fatally Yours

t had been a while since we'd seen each other, but there was no denying the fact that whatever was between us what not over. At least not yet. We mingled on opposite sides of the room, keeping track of each others movements with the back of our eyes. I stood in the kitchen flirting with a man who I could care less about. My mind was all over the place. In my mind, I was all over him. As I leaned back against the kitchen sink, I was flooded with memories of our first time in his tiny studio apartment a few blocks from the TSU campus. Even though four years had passed, I could still remember every detail like it was yesterday. I had to leave. I needed to get out of there quickly. I told my friends goodnight, congratulated the host on her graduation and walked out hoping he didn't notice. Truthfully, I knew he was watching. I was counting on it. As I walked towards my car, I heard his footsteps behind me. I smiled.

Somewhere between his hand tapping my shoulder and our first hello in years, we ended up in the backseat of my car. There was no hesitation, even though I knew I should have pushed him away. I couldn't stop myself, I could hear myself groan as he lowered his hand and unfastened the buttons of my shirt. It was like our first time over again. The emotions started to creep back. But that wasn't what I wanted. I didn't want us back together as a couple,or did I? I had to be clear headed,I had been dreaming of this moment for years , he couldn't be in control, I had to take over. I lowered my body in between his legs. Tracing my fingers over the top of his boxers, I felt him shudder at my touch. I let my tongue take the place of my fingers and I knew I had him where I wanted him. Tonight, I was going to do things my way. I was finally going to get everything I wanted


He was my first taste of freedom, my first taste of exploration, he was my first. I was heartbroken for years after him. I woke up in the morning and cried. At night, I cried myself to sleep. After three years of dating, two years of engagement and planning our future together, it was over. Four months before the wedding, he sent a text message to end my life it. I knew I had to get him back one way or another. He had ruined my life. He had taken everything I had in me and ruined me. It was not over. Not by a long shot.

His voice was gentle. Or maybe it was just weak due to the lack of food. "You know I still love you" he said.

Love? What did he know about love? After crushing my heart and shattering it into pieces? After I had to cancel all the wedding preparations? Cancel my parents and extended family members tickets from Lagos? Paying my bridesmaids back for the dresses? Being the laughing stock of Houston for how many years? What did he know about love?

"You have no idea how much I love you!" The tears welled up in my eyes, the pain was there, but I was still in love with him after everything. No. I couldn't let my self fall for his charms. I reached over and unlocked the chains around his legs. It was time. If he knew any better, he wouldn't drink the water I was about to hand him. But he didn't. He drank it, he drank it hastily and made me smile. The stupid fool. Little did he know that the water he had been drinking for the past five days was the cause of his weakness.

I switched the light on and he squinted. It took him a while to adjust to it but when he did, the look in his eyes was priceless. I had been waiting, planning, praying for this day to come around. And here it was again, Saturday May 11th. He closed his eyes and opened them again. Staring at me from head to toe with his mouth open, he stood up shakily from the chair and and put his hands over his mouth to muffle up the sound before it fell out.

With the light on, the rhinestones on my dress glistened brightly. My day was finally here. I had been up all night preparing for it. The whole week had gone by so fast. Luring him into my house was the easy part. Between setting up the garden, ordering the cake, and adjusting my dress, it had been a hectic week. It was a happy hectic week, and my dream would finally be becoming reality. Our wedding was finally here. I was finally becoming a Mrs.


My head was ringing. I could hear it ringing, or so I thought. I shuddered at the fact that I had let it happen again. He knocked me down with the vase of white roses and ruined my perfect day yet again.This time, he was going to get it. I blew out a heavy breath and picked the knife out of the toppled cake. Whatever surge of energy he got from eating that piece of cake was going to wear off. He had to be stupid to think there was nothing in it. Ha! Stupid, stupid fool. There was no way out. Not at all. All the doors were nailed shut, the windows were welded with iron, and there was nobody around here for miles.

Once upon a time, I had dreamed that he came back, apologized, said all the sweet things imaginable and then we'd go back to being happy forever. Even after all that I went through to make this day perfect he still found a way to ruin it.

The scrambling stopped and it went silent. He knew I was there. He knew I had seen him. The voice on the other end of the line rambled on squeakily, asking for more information. First he breaks my heart, then he ruins my wedding, and now this?

I lunged towards him from the doorway, the setting sunlight peeked through the tiny holes in the iron window of the room, making the blade glow. He tried to get away but I dug the knife into his right foot. As if he could not process fast enough what was happening, his face first contorted in agony before then he let out a scream that sounded a lot like a whimpering dog.

I laughed. The drugs were affecting him already. His body was beginning to get heavy, and the bleeding from his foot made it even worse.

Perhaps it was the champagne from the toast, but it felt so good seeing him weak and in pain. My adrenaline was beginning to build. I hadn't felt like this in years, I thought the wedding was going to make me feel good, but this was so much better. Hearing him cry in agony was exhilarating. Now he knew the pain I had felt for years, he could finally feel what it felt to have his heart ripped out. But then, it wasn't his heart I stabbed........


I could hear them from afar. I knew they were coming. It only took a few minutes before the sirens were blaring outside my door serenading the chilly night. I was burning with anger. He had to ruin everything.

"This should have been the best day of my life!" I screamed.

Even though the room was dark, the flashing lights guided me to the trail of blood he had left behind. He was in here somewhere, there was no doubt about it.

The boards creaked as I moved and my dress mopped his blood as I followed it into the study. His right foot gave him out. The blood pooled around the base of the bookshelf. What a stupid fool.

"Please," he begged softly, "don't do..." The fear shone in his eyes as he looked up at me. There was no color in them anymore. I knelt down beside him and cradled his head in my lap.

"Shhhh, no more talking." he was staring at the knife I had pulled out from underneath my dress.

"Remember when you told me you will love till the day you died?" His lips smiled but his eyes teared up.

"Do you still love me?"


Saturday, April 18, 2009

Confessions: Why Women Cheat

Confessions: Why Women Cheat

All it takes is just one text, one phone call or even one look. And that is it. I can't seem to control myself. I find an excuse, a reason to leave, or to be left alone. He has that much power over me, and I like it. All the things I've invested in for years will be lost if I get caught; but do I care? Not at the moment. Right now, I just want to feel his teeth pull on my lower lip, his hand up my shirt, and the roughness of his day old beard against my skin.

 I hate the lying, the sneaking around, the hushed tones, and the awkward silences. I hate it all. But, I love the thrill, the anticipation, and the surprises. I'm really in a difficult place. He's smart, charming, loving, self confident, funny, eloquent, educated, talented, motivated, sexy...you get the point. Everything a woman wants and then some, but some how I can't stop myself from doing these things.

My back against the wall, three buttons undone and pencil skirt hiked up, I feel as if I'm in a romance novel, only problem is, I'm not. This scene is as far away from romantic as possible. I'm on the back porch at his brother’s house making out like a repressed teenager, while my boyfriend is inside being congratulated by all our friends and family. I know this sounds horrible. It’s absolutely wrong. There's no excuse for any of this, but somehow, I can't seem to let go.

I always promise myself that the last time was the last time, until I find myself wrapped up in his arms swearing to myself again that this time is truly the last time. At times, I wonder what gets me. Is it the lack of charm and the unruly hair? Maybe it’s the nonchalant way he walks and talks, like nothing could ever matter. Oh, right now, I can't think, I can’t think straight at all. His hands are sliding further up my thighs and....

If you're still puzzled, the answer is yes. Women do cheat. It happens more often than most men would like to know or even care to find out. Obviously, just because I do it doesn't mean that all women do. I don't mean to ruin it for the other girls who have their story right, and neither am I saying because your girl came home late from work she's doing it too. This is my story, my experience, and my weakness.

There are so many reasons to for you to judge me and call me ungrateful, stone hearted and other names I'd rather not think about. But I'm not the only one. Today, statistics show that women are now, more than ever, the ones being unfaithful in relationships. Searching for an excuse for my infidelity, I came up with 5 main reasons women cheat.

5. It's Over: you just don't know it yet. As opposed to going through the drama and heart ache of breaking up, sometimes we choose to move on and hope that you catch up and do the same. Some men are beyond hard headed. They have that Pharaoh spirit that just won't let go. Sometimes, it’s just the easy way out.

4. Payback: So you cheated and she forgave you. Unfortunately, she didn't forget. You might never find out, but that doesn't matter. To her, she has leveled the playing field. In other words, she got her lick back.

3.Emotionally Single: Even though you two are a "couple", to her, you might as well be single. Her emotional needs are important. Never forget to tell you her that she's beautiful, listen to her when she's ranting about nothing, and don't hesitate to remind her that you love her.

2.Missionary Dissatisfaction: You wouldn't want to eat plain broiled chicken for breakfast lunch and dinner, everyday! Why do you think she wants it the same way every time? Once it becomes monotonous and mechanical, we run for the hills. We want variety, a little fun. Simply changing positions or location can solve this problem.

1. Eve Syndrome: When Eve ate that apple, it invented one of the worst sins ever, LUST. Plain and simple. Wanting what one does not have. For some women, a forbidden fruit tastes better than the lavish spread on the table. It’s in the DNA.

Even after all these reasons, I still cannot tell what I'm doing here. I love my man, he’s perfect, he knows that, but I still can't deny the satisfaction I get with my back against a brick wall on a muggy Texas night. There has to be reason. I can't tell any of my friends, or even any of my family. Who do I confide in at a time like this? How long can I keep this up? How long can this last?

This is obviously a bad time to bring this up. It’s a little too late to be asking these questions. As the he passes the ring to the Pastor, I feel my knees begin to buckle. I am reminded of the back porch episode from the night before at the engagement party. I smile back at the memory and turn around to the man of my dreams only to watch him promise me forever. Unfortunately, all I can think of is the man behind him. The one who is not only his best man, but also his best friend, and not just a friend but also his own blood brother? I have no clue how I got into this but even worse; I don't think I want to get out!

Friday, April 10, 2009

WANTED: One Sugar Honey

WANTED: One Sugar Honey

In case you haven't noticed, I'm on the prowl! I am actively looking and searching! As for me oh, I must to find my own! You haven't heard? Ha! See you, be sitting down there reading like a mumu. Me and my "Bigs Gehl" self, I am looking for one.

I'm not looking for a boyfriend, or a husband, I'm not even looking for a sugar daddy. If you don't know, you better start to recognize, there's someone new in town. They call him "SUGAR HONEY".

Let me help you help yourself. See, if you're still clueless, I'll define it for you. A "SUGAR HONEY" is RICHER than your boyfriend, and FINER than your SUGAR DADDY. In fact, he's got a swagger like no other, and its kind of hard to resist.

Okay, so maybe I'm not looking for one, but the truth is that they're out there. Everywhere. From Lagos, to London, to Houston, to D.C. They're all over, after you read this, that little light bulb will twinkle above your head, because I bet you five kobo, you know just who I'm talking about.

Omo men, don't read on if you can't handle pepper. I know I'm casting out some people (and some people's husbands/boyfriends) but them dey yanfu yanfu for my side. I've even fallen for one before, so this story here is to warn you, the one that is engaged to him and the one that he paid car note for.And if you're looking for one, here's a good place to be. Let me start with the symptoms:

Forget all those Naija movies of yesteryears. He ain't old. In fact, they get younger every day. Forget the senator, its all about the senators son now. A sugar honey is in his prime. He's between the ages of 25/26 and runs anywhere to 35 - 39. All that one that he has walking stick and arthritis is BULL! He is still limber and the only third leg on him.....hmmmmmmmm, I'm not even going there (me being a saint and all). He goes jogging in the morning and goes to the gym at night. That image of the port-bellied man in in "one thousand and five", wash it away. My sugar honey rocks "polo tops" and 3 piece suits that fit just right. He is F-R-E-S-H.

As for his status, you'll know that one when he pulls up with his nice brand new, leather interior, custom finished CL550 coupe. Abeg, even you sef you know he ain't one of those little boys with last years Lexus that they bought from auction. You know its PAID IN FULL. Apartment? If you think all those little boys with their dealer leased and auction bought cars had money, think again. They stay with their parents or have an apartment (with a cousin/roommate) off Bissonet. I'm not saying anything is wrong with it oh, I'm just saying if your car doesn't match your apartment, who are you fooling? My sugar honey don't roll like that. Men, that nucca got a loft downtown, a condo in mid town and is looking to buy a house in the 'burbs. In short he's got stacks. FULL STOP. He runs his own business(es), has inheritance from his parents and he probably has his masters or is working on it.

Too bad he's already taken, is what you'll say to your friend. Little do you know he's "chucking" her on the side. Walahi Talahi, tell me that your bulb is not flashing. In fact, he's in church on Sunday with you, you've met his girl, you've seen their vacation pictures to Barbados all over face book. He's even listed as "In a Relationship" on his profile. There's no hiding the fact that he's involved. But that ain't ever stopped him.

He's not a player, that one is for those small boys with big cars and no money. Those ones have to play games to make you drop pant. He ain't got time for that. Just one look, and I promise, you'll pick a fight with your boyfriend for no reason. That way, you can sleep on your computer peacefully, stalking his face book profile.

Somehow, somehow, they always have girlfriends, or fiance's or wives that either:
a) live in another state or country;
b) work too much; AND/OR
c) are the epitome of the Virgin Mary (they are usually sooooooooooo sweet and well mannered)

But this man is a FREAK. He can't defile his perfect girlfriend/wife. No. It is you that he's going to get for all that other stuff. Na lie I talk? Stop blushing jare. He'll tell you that himself. He'll never hide his wedding band. You'll know he's got someone, you just won't want to believe it. He'll pay your tuition, if you ask him to. He'll pay your car note, if you need him to. He'll even pay for your momsi's ticket to come from Lagos. All this while in your head you're thinking..."Damn, this guy is good"... then your best friend whispers in your ear "Too bad he's already taken" as you guys watch him bring his new CL550 for blessing in church. Yup, that's right, he's chucking you, that pretty usher in pink, and probably your best friend too....ON THE SIDE.

Don't say I didn't warn you. You just have to know what you want out of it. If you're looking for a good time and a new wardrobe, you got your man. But if you're looking for something else, don't hold your breath! If you like, break up with your boyfriend on his behalf. He'll never leave his girl for you. You better go and beg your boyfriend on Bissonet quick quick, because HE DON'T LOVE YOU!

As for me,I'm looking for a new laptop, tuition payment and 6 months rent for my new apartment off Montrose. And if possible, a nice toyota camry (new model) to match that new prada dress I desperately want. If you fit the bill, don't hesitate "Holla at your girl" ; )

Thursday, April 9, 2009

Wheres your steady?

Wheres your steady?

I do not understand these people oh! See man pikin see trouble? Jejely , on a happy Sunday I went to church to worship God, after catching the Holy Ghost and all, I put on my happy face and did the cordial "Good Afternoon Aunty/Uncle" to the church members. Just as I thought I had escaped yet another Sunday baby shower/ bridal shower/ women's meeting/ singles party ati be be lo, I felt a hand grab my arm and I turned around. It was Aunty Funke*, one of my momsi's friends.

"Good Afternoon Aunty", I said, thinking she was about to scold me for not coming to greet her. I was stunned when she spilled the most insulting words out to me.

"Where is your steady? You know Doyin* is getting married now, we have not seen you bring anybody to church yet eh?"

"oh..." not knowing what to say, I simply blurted out the truth "I really haven't had that much time to date lately, you know with school and work and all."

That was a BIG MISTAKE!

"Ah! You better stop that! You better start looking for a husband, you're not getting younger. In fact, where's your mother?"

I turned around to see if anyone else had heard what I was hearing or whether I had some how lost my mind and was imagining stuff. Well, since then I have become a prayer point for her. Mind you, I'm only f'ing 24!

Sincerely, its not as if I do not want a boyfriend/ husband but just because I am not a "husband hunter" does not mean that I am off course! Come on! What century are we in now? Abi are we still fighting for womens rights amongst women too. I never planned to marry early. So what if I am taking the "Man's Way" and settling my education, finance and career before settling down? Men do it all the time and somehow the Nigerian society finds a way to deal with it. Where is the page in the Bible that says I must be married/engaged or as she put it with a "steady" by age 25?

It's really annoying. If I happen to find love before then, its all good but I'm not buying the idea that I must have a man before I am viewed as a success. Do all my accolades and accomplishments mean nothing because I don't have a ring on my finger? I know a ton of Nigerian girls that have halted their lives, thrown everything they have worked on for years because they were chasing husbands. Think about it... you know who they are. The ones that dropped out of school, quit their jobs and moved to London or Baltimore or Nigeria because some dude "sounded" serious. Tufiapa! That is not my portion! 99.9% of the time, they're broken up by month 3.

Even my father is pissing the B'Jesus out of me. he called from Lagos to tell me he had found me a husband. Unfortunately for him I was already in the worst of moods and ignored his useless conversation, handing my sister the phone so she can deal with his bull. Even some of my friends have gotten into the habbit of passing me a hook up.

"oh, why don't we go to the movies/ party/dinner/ friends house" only to find out there's some dude there that has been stalking my face book pictures and profile. Abeg oh, I no want. Make una carry go! If the boy fine pass why una no marry am?

I really believe I did not invest all my time and effort in school to wear a ring. If I knew that was all I was useful for, I would have stopped my education at JSS 3 and gone to sewing school and probably paid more attention in Home Economics class. As our Yoruba Literature book says " Je n lo gba temi" Abi, no be so? Let me live my life jare, I will find husband when it is time. I am not a bra burner ( even though I'd love to burn the one I'm wearing right now), but I'd like to be free to decide WHO I'll marry and WHEN I'll marry.

* Names have been changed. I don't want to cast anybody : )